THE CURIOUS CASE OF THE YOUNG GENERATION.

By Femi Pedro

Sometime in 1988, I received a call from a good friend about an interesting investment opportunity with a few colleagues. After a series of meetings, it became very clear to me that we were about to embark on an audacious but incredibly special journey, and I was excited about the prospect of being a part of such a project. For almost 2 years, I worked alongside the likes of Akin Akintoye, Fola Adeola, Tayo Aderinokun (of blessed memory), Gbolly Osibodu, Bode Agusto and a few others on this investment project. As of 1988 when we began the journey, Fola was 34, Tayo was 33, Gbolly was 33, Bode was 33, Akin was 35 and I was 33. The objective: To own a BANK.

It was a bold objective considering our respective ages at the time, but certainly not an impossible task in our eyes. So we began to hold countless meetings at Fola’s residence in 1988, until we eventually shifted base to Tayo’s First Marina Trust office in Victoria Island. By late 1989, we were ready to put in our bank application at CBN, along with the required minimum capital. This effort was spearheaded by Fola and Tayo (the two brains behind the entire operation), and supported by about 40 persons (including myself), most of whom were in their early 30s and working for different organizations at the time.

The end product? We formed arguably one of the finest financial institutions Nigeria has ever seen- Guaranty Trust Bank (known as GT Bank today). The bank was licensed on the 1st of August,1990 and we commenced banking operations later that year. A group of young boys in their early/mid 30s OWNED a bank! We simply dreamt big, and turned this dream into reality.

I am taking the liberty to reflect on this chapter of my personal history against the backdrop of some of the criticism about the ages of some of President Muhammadu Buhari’s ministerial nominees. The argument being brandished about is that by nominating the likes of Chief Audu Ogbeh and Alhaji Ibrahim

Usman Jubril as ministers, our President is somehow blocking the destinies of younger Nigerians by preventing them from occupying such positions. People are quick to reference Yakubu Gowon and Murtala Mohammed as being relatively young when they ascended to power, and they argue that the same opportunities that young people had in the past are no longer available today. They also argue that around the same time we were forming GT Bank in the late eighties, there were also a number successful young entrepreneurs who distinguished themselves as well – Bola Tinubu (Treasurer at Mobil Oil), Gbade Ojora (ED Mobil Oil), Jim Ovia (Zenith Bank), Erastus Akingbola (Intercontinental), Dele Momodu (Publishing), Tony Elumelu (Standard Trust), Liyel Imoke (Politics), O’tega Emerhor (Standard Alliance Insurance), Aig Imoukhuede and Herbert Wigwe (Access) and Atedo Peterside (IBTC) are some of the noteworthy youngsters who made an impact in various fields in Nigeria at the time.

Perhaps, at play is the venting of some on-going frustrations by the younger generation today, but it is important to put things into proper perspective. Since pre-independence, the Nigerian youth have played a pivotal role in nation-building and economic development. The vast majority of the founding fathers that led the struggle for our independence were relatively young. Chief Obafemi Awolowo was 37, Akintola was 36, Ahmadu Bello was 36, Balewa was 34 and Enahoro was 27 when they led the struggle for independence after the death of Sir Herbert Macaulay.

Only Nnamdi Azikiwe was over 40 (he was about 42 at the time). Indeed, even the post-independence military hierarchy was fueled by the active participation of young persons in nation-building at critical periods of our nation’s history. The first coup in 1966 was led by a 29 year-old Nzeogwu and countered by the likes of T.Y. Danjuma, Shehu Musa Yar’adua and a few others, all in their 20s.

The subsequent coup brought a 32 year-old Yakubu Gowon into power. Many of the military administrators who governed the states under successive military governments (including our current president, Muhammadu Buhari) were in their 30s. Similarly, the major beneficiaries of Nigerian indigenization policies in the early 70s were young private sector entrepreneurs. The likes of Subomi Balogun, Oladele Olasore, Sam Asabia blazed the trails in banking at relatively young ages, while super civil servants such as Allison Ayida,

Phillips Asiodu, Ahmed Joda, Ime Ebong, Ibrahim Damcida etc held forth in public administration in their early 30s. This trend of young people playing active roles in nation building and economic activities continued well into my own generation in the 1980s and 90s, so it is not difficult to understand how we were able to muster the courage and determination to forming a bank at the time.

I have spent a lot of time mentoring, observing and interacting with young Nigerians. Today’s youth are no different from those of my generation about 30 years ago. They are faced with the same pressures, frustrations, uncertainties and life vicissitudes that we faced in our late twenties and early thirties. However, the marked difference is how young Nigerians apply themselves today.Most of us who made an impact in our early thirties came from modest means. We were not rich, and we did not have any noteworthy inheritance.

Nobody did us any favours, and the older generation did not give us a pass or a nudge in the right direction. In fact, the military administrations at the time made it extremely difficult for us to participate optimally in business, governance and politics. We did not have social media, and there was no technology to aide our goals. We were simply big dreamers determined to make a difference. We were highly enlightened and career-oriented, so we were able to force our way through the door by working extremely hard.

What some of the proponents of the argument against the older ministerial nominees, (and perhaps the older generation currently dominating the political and economic landscape) also fail to realize or remember is that even in my early thirties, we also had very established and older industrialists like MKO Abiola, Sam Asabia, Gamaliel Onosode etc, who all operated during our time. We respected them, but neither felt overwhelmed by their success, nor daunted by the prospects of climbing up the ladder. We simply forged ahead with our plans and damned the consequences. The point is nobody cleared the way for us back then, so young Nigerians today should not expect that anyone would clear the way for them either.

So what exactly needs to change amongst young Nigerians today? First, young Nigerians have to humble themselves. You have to be willing to learn the ropes and hone your craft. Around the age of 27, I left the relative comfort of a steady career at CBN to learn under the tutelage of Otunba Subomi Balogun, the visionary and pioneer behind FCMB. Working as Otunba Subomi Balogun’s executive assistant was an experience of a lifetime. He was (and still is) a well-organized and thorough individual. He strongly promoted excellence and perfection, and did not condone indolence, laziness or poor quality work.

He was also an impeccable dresser, always elegantly attired in all-white traditional wear or perfectly tailored quality suits. I picked up these virtues and adopted his style of leadership and management in my future endeavors. I was opportune to travel with him to attend corporate and other board meetings. I gained valuable and practical experiences in corporate board management and boardroom politics, which became useful tools later in my career.

Secondly, you must know your worth. Do not settle for less, and do not allow yourselves to be used by selfish political interests. Challenge the status-quo. Challenge the establishment. The youth make up a sizeable portion of the Nigerian populace. By extension, they have the loudest voices and the biggest potential. Alan Moore, a prominent British author opined that “People shouldn’t be afraid of their government. Governments should be afraid of their people”. This is especially true with regards to young Nigerians. You are more powerful than you give yourselves credit for. Our current president was victorious in large part due to the votes cast by young Nigerians, and you must continue to remind yourselves of this fact, because 2019 is already fast approaching.

Thirdly, and crucially, young Nigerians have to eliminate distractions. Do not get carried away by the allure of good living, bling, fame and fortune. Stay on the straight-and-narrow path. Distractions are the proverbial pot-holes; they slow you down from reaching your destination and damage your wheels in the process. By all accounts, social media is obviously the biggest distraction. It is a powerful tool, but can also derail you from focusing on the bigger picture. The most discerning amongst you will know how to navigate social media without hindering your ability to make significant inroads in the economic and political fabric of Nigeria. I have been impressed with what the likes of Linda Ikeji, Bellanaija, Don Jazzy, TY Bello, Jimi Mohammed, Banke Meshida-Lawal and other young Nigerians have been able to accomplish at such a young age, and it should serve as an inspiration toother young Nigerians in various fields as well.

Finally, take advantage of opportunities, no matter how small or inconsequential they may be at the time. Expect no helping hands. And when these opportunities present themselves, grab what you can. During our cabinet meetings, my boss and mentor, Asiwaju Bola Ahmed Tinubu always quipped that “Power is never served a-la-carte”. This is indeed true in the context of where young Nigerians currently are, and where they need to be.

Our nation is at a critical crossroads. The age bracket between 18-35 years constitutes the majority of our working population group, and naturally, they should be the most productive and active segment of our country’s economic activity and nation-building efforts. Unfortunately, the youth of today are indolent, unemployed and generally incapacitated. Some are unable to make ends meet, and have not shown any sustained interest in holding leadership position. They abstain from holding governance positions at the local, state and national levels. Ironically and confusingly, they allow themselves to be used as street (and very recently, internet/online) thugs, miscreants and protesters to pursue the selfish agendas of older politicians.

Despite all of this, I have a lot of faith in the youth of today, but young Nigerians need to start having faith in themselves as well. You need to wake up from your slumber, and pilot the much-needed change process urgently. You must be willing to side-step all the pit-fall distractions and refocus your collective mindsets. You have to be guided by a desire to excel, and you must continue to push yourselves to grow in a tough, competitive and cut-throat environment that still exists today. Who knows? With a bit of conviction, commitment and guile, you may be able to produce a young, vibrant and dynamic Nigerian as our President much sooner than you think!

Otunba Femi Pedro is a Banker and an Economist. He is a former Deputy Governor of Lagos State, and the former Managing Director of First Atlantic Bank (FinBank) Plc. He can be reached via the Twitter Handle: @femipedro

 

LOVE, DEATH AND A FOETUS: INSIDE KELVIN ALANEME'S 'LIFE AND DEATH'.

'Life and Death' is a heart-rending story of Zadok, a Jewish boy whose love with Abigail, a Samaritan girl will set off a series of unfortunate events. Facing stiff opposition from both families, Zadok will go head-to-head with the Jewish Law, championed by his over-zealous father.




A historical fiction set in Jerusalem and Samaria around AD 32-33, it is a tale of love and suffering with sprinkles of hope. Exploring the strained Judeo-Samaritan relationship, it also contains the back story to Christ's favourite parable, his eventual crucifixion and the weight of those fragile last moments.




A must-read.

GET YOUR FREE COPY IN 3 EASY STEPS.

1. Download the Okadabooks app.
2. Go to store and click on 'Life and Death' by Kelvin Alaneme. Click 'Buy'. The price is N0.00 so it is absolutely free.
3. Then go to 'My Books' to download the book and read for FREE.

Get Started HERE: www.okadabooks.com/book/about/10123 

Feel free to share, comment and rate the book.

Your feedback will be highly appreciated.

+Stay Abundantly Blessed!

ASO OFI.

On the weaving loom of Almighty
My angel stands in place
A tightly stretched length-wise yarn
Spacing herself more closely
To completely cover up
My lapses
My fault
My blame
My imperfection

I am a weft yarn
She is a warp yarn
We are wound on a love beam
To make a set of connected loops
From just two yarns
In warp and weft directions
She stands in place
While I'm woven through to fill 
Her lapses
Her faults
Her blames
Her imperfection

We
Game off equally
She stands still
I am inserted over-and-under her
I am interlaced into a black beauty
A queen in her prime
We are
A newly completed aso ofi

*Aso ofi is a woven cloth in Yorubaland.

©Ojo Omeiza Blessing, 2015.

ROOMIE.

The crumpled up bed sheet stares at my sorry face blankly as I try to fight back the stray tears for the umpteenth time. That was her favorite bed sheet. She adored it. I admired it. I still do. She promised to hand it over to me on graduation day; freshmen as we were. She was generous like that.

The bed sheet is just one of the many items that my already bloodshot eyes cannot avoid. They dart to her underwear which hugs the hanger on the rusted nail on the wall, like a monument. She used to say “it’s all part of the décor.” Her wardrobe is ajar and her scattered clothes fill the inside. Her weapons of mass destruction-make up kit, cosmetics, waist trainers and hair extensions look lifeless on her dressing table.

Just yesterday, she had started a vlog centered on her life in college. She was a queen of rants and dry jokes. She declared that if she didn’t get up to thirty views for the first twenty minutes, she would strip for the webcam. She got one view, from me and she stripped afterwards. I hid her laptop while she was moisturizing. I recall her ecstatic mood the day she spoke to her lover-zoned friend for hours about stuff that sounded inappropriate to me. She cringed when I tried to talk about the inappropriateness; blabbed about everything and nothing then dragged me nearer for a funny-face selfie. I didn’t make a funny face. She did, for us two. She was generous like that.

Last night, she returned from her friend’s birthday party looking tired. She flung her modesty on the floor, muttered “nighty night” to insomniac me and dozed off, naked. I found myself gaping at her, her nudity, her being. We were just two weeks into college and she was my best friend already. I watched her sleep peacefully- no snore, overturning, sleep-talking or lip-biting. That was strange. Then she let out her usual glass-breaking fart and I smiled sheepishly. I spat afterwards. She was a douche bag.

Staring at our Jerusalem now isn’t helping me at all. I’m afraid I’ll cry till my eyes go blind. Yes, she didn’t wake up this morning. Yes, I called for help and she was taken to the hospital. Yes, they said she was no more but, but maybe, just maybe, she’s still sleeping. Maybe, her deep slumber after last night’s hangover isn’t over yet. Maybe, she’s dreaming of a stunt to pull on her vlog to get more viewers. I could be wrong about these assumptions. I should be. Deep down, I know I am.

However, I prefer to stick to them for now. I’ll live by them now. If or when they fail me, I will leave. I’ll leave our room, our bond, our Jerusalem. I’ll ditch college too.

©Chisom Okwara, 2015.

A WRITER WITHOUT DISCIPLINE.

Are you a writer without discipline? You dream up amazing plots and ideas in your head but never get to pen them down? Your best works, bestsellers are usually floating in your head but never on paper?

A writer without discipline will end up an underachiever, despite the huge amount of talent. Hardwork will always beat talent if talent refuses to work hard. A great deal of writing entails… you guessed right…writing! A driver drives. A runner runs. A writer writes. A writer that does not write is  just a pretender, not a writer.

There are three classes of writers.

1. THE PRETENDERS : These may have some raw talent but write only when inspiration comes which is occasionally if not rarely. They talk passionately about writing but never get down to the actual work, citing numerous excuses: Getting published is so difficult, Nigerians don't read anymore, blah, blah, blah. They leave in their trail unfinished projects: incomplete stories and manuscripts. You can see them around you or even within.

2. THE AMATEUR WRITERS : These have resolved to take writing seriously and may have gotten around to complete some projects. But they still wait to inspiration to write and usually blame their dearth of work to the unavailability of theit 'muse'. They write when they feel like, which may be weekly or monthly and have a huge well of untapped potentials.

3. THE PROFESSIONAL WRITERS: These are committed to writing as their life's task. They describe themselves as 'writers' before anything else. They write daily, usually at set periods, whether they feel like it or not. They don't wait for inspiration. They work and inspiration flows. When they write, the effortlessness and beauty of their work is akin to Messi or Ronaldo with the ball, or Usain Bolt in the middle of a sprint. They see writing as their job and see themselves as athletes and thus train daily. You will recognize them by their prolific works. They churn out masterpiece upon masterpiece and soon their pen strikes gold. The awards come knocking. They are the Stephen Kings, the Ernest Hemingways, the Chimamanda Adichies, The Marlon James. They are the future you!

An interviewer once asked Somerset Maugham whether he had a routine for writing or writes only when inspiration strike. Mr. Maugham replied," I write only when inspiration strikes. Fortunately, it strikes every morning by 9am sharp."

Stephen King wrote 10 pages everyday, without fail, even on holidays. Ernest Hemingway wrote 500 words everyday. Consistency is key.

We should all strive to be professionals. We should become writers that actually 'write'. As writers, we are the collective mouthpiece of a generation and the voices of our society. We have been chosen to instruct, edify and change the way the society thinks and works. And none of this can be achieved without discipline.

So, roll off your bed. Stop the whining. Grab your pen and paper, tablet, smartphone, anything and WRITE.

©Kelvin Alaneme, 2015.
Follow on Twitter and Instagram @dr_alams.

Love is Biased, Not Blind.

By Mark Manson,  markmanson.net 

I am still amazed at how terrible I am at evaluating my own romantic and sexual situations objectively. In fact, I’m sad to report that I think I’m better than most at it, and I’m still terrible. The fact is that we’re all terrible at it. Like when you bragged to your friends about that girl and she shows up on the first date, but you can’t remember why you liked her so much. Or the woman you’re so convinced is relationship material, but when she unexpectedly breaks things off you realize that you actually feel better without her around. Or the ex-boyfriend you miss horribly for months, but when you reunite with him it becomes abundantly clear why you broke up.

We’re all terribly unobjective with our emotional lives. We can’t seem to help it either. We all have ideals and dreams of what we want our perfect partner to be, what we want our perfect relationship to be, how we want our relationships to play out. Therefore we tend to see what we want to see in someone else, not what’s actually there. We’re all experts at projecting and distorting the reality in front of us to try to fit our own ideals. These distortions are called perceptual biases. They are the fun-house mirrors that misshape our perceptions of others in front of us. Some people are (far) more afflicted than others, but none of us are immune to it. But with practice and conscious awareness, we can help ourselves become more aware of these biases, and prevent them from getting us into too much turmoil.

Perhaps the biggest problem with both psychological research on attraction and relationships/dating advice is that we’re trying to measure and quantify something we can’t be completely objective about. Psychological research into attraction is mostly based on self-reporting. Dating advice is based on personal experience. The problem with both approaches is that we’re unable to provide reliable data. We’re poor curators of our own emotional experiences. The phenomenon of perceptual biases has intrigued me for a couple years now. Many of my close friends have grown annoyed and tired of me constantly pointing out their biases to them. “You only liked her that much because she was the only girl on the bus,” or “Yeah, it makes it a lot easier when they think your job is cool.” Yeah, I’m a buzzkill.

Below are ten perceptual biases that most of us fall victim to, five which distort how attractive we perceive someone to be, and five that distort how emotionally connected to a person we feel.

Perceptual Biases of Attraction

1. Contrast Bias – The contrast bias occurs when we meet a moderately attractive person in an environment with unattractive people (and vice versa).¹ For instance, if you go to an office party, the one cute girl at work will suddenly look like a stunner surrounded by a bunch of married, aging, overweight women. Put that same girl in a night club and she’d look pretty average. But at the office party, suddenly her stock has shot through the roof. Another common example is when you have the “hot friend” phenomenon. When you meet a group of women, all of which are unattractive except for one. Suddenly that one attractive woman looks a lot better. Welcome to the contrast bias.

2. Scarcity Bias – The scarcity bias² is similar to the contrast bias, except instead of overestimating how attractive a person is based on other people being unattractive, the scarcity bias overestimates how attractive a person is because there are few or no other options. A perfect example of this happened with a friend recently in Thailand. We were taking a boat tour, and there was a very plain-looking French girl on our boat, along with about 12 Chinese tourists, most of whom were elderly or older couples. My friend started chatting to the French girl, who was pleasant but nothing really too exciting. By the end of the full-day boat tour, he excitedly described to me how they traded Facebook information and how he thought he liked her and wanted to meet up with her. I looked him in the eye and said, “You liked that she was the only available woman on a boat that you were stuck on for 12 hours, that’s what you liked. By tomorrow you’ll have forgotten about her.” Sure enough, he did.

3. Reciprocal Bias – The quote of mine that’s been passed around the dating industry more than any other is, “The biggest aphrodisiac is someone who likes you.” This is the reciprocal bias.³ That cute girl, as soon as she grabs your hand and tells you that you’re hot, goes from “cute” to “really sexy” in a heartbeat. The reciprocal bias goes in reverse as well. That “smoking hot woman” over there, once you talk to her and she shows absolutely no interest in you, immediately turns into that woman “with a nice body, but terrible attitude,” and you’ve already convinced yourself that you’d never date her and that you were stupid for wanting to.

4. Personality Bias – The personality bias may be one of the only good biases. The personality bias occurs when someone’s personality makes them appear more physically attractive to you.⁴ When a woman has a great sense of humor, or shares similar interests to us, or has similar perspectives on life, we inevitably find them to be more attractive. Recently, I met a cute girl and I found out she used to compete in Halo tournaments for XBox. The nerd in me couldn’t help it and she immediately jumped up a level in my book.

5. Barriers Bias – The barriers bias relates to the scarcity bias in that we tend to overvalue things in which we perceive to be hard to obtain. The barriers bias occurs when there are barriers to being with a particular person, causing our attraction for them to increase.⁵ An extreme example of this would be celebrities. From a purely physical perspective, you and I probably meet women who are just as physically attractive as celebrities, but our perception of them would not be even close to the same. The barriers bias can play out on a large or small scale. The girl you were talking to and her friend stepped in and dragged her away, chances are you are going to remember her as more attractive and more interested than she actually was. The girl you meet who is moving across the country tomorrow, otherwise she would definitely go out on a date with you, your perception of her will probably be that she’s more attractive as well.

The barriers bias also affects relationships or perceptions of relationship material as well. We have a tendency to idealize people we’re unable to be with, both in terms of how attractive they are, but also in terms of how good our relationship would be with them. Which brings us to…

Perceptual Biases in Relationships

6. Physical Bias – Plain and simple, the more physically attractive a woman is, the more likely we will be to idealize her, overestimate her, and become emotionally invested in her.⁶ As men, our emotions are yanked around by how physically beautiful a woman is. And it’s a pretty short leash.

This one definitely afflicts me often, and I hate that it does. I would like to say I’m not so shallow, but the more physically beautiful she is, the more I’m going to invest in her emotionally, and the more I’m going to convince myself that there’s potential for something more significant with her when there probably actually isn’t. Believe it or not, the physical bias can actually be negative as well, depending on a guy’s beliefs. I have met a number of guys who, when confronted with an attractive woman, will get excited and talk about how attractive she is. But when confronted with an absolutely drop-dead gorgeous woman, they begin to nitpick faults and criticize her before even meeting her. If a man believes himself to be unworthy of a supremely beautiful woman, he will actually develop a perceptual bias AGAINST them.

7. Sexual Bias – One of my strictest rules for myself and my clients is to never make any major commitment decisions with a woman without having sex with her first. Aside from the whole “test drive before you buy” argument, the fact remains that men are not objective about a woman before we’ve had sex with her. We inflate our perception of them and overestimate how much we actually like them. Yeah, it’s screwed up, but it is what it is. The reverse is often (but not always) true as well: that our perception of a woman immediately after sex will be deflated and we will underestimate what we actually feel for her.

8. Mystery Bias – This one is probably more common for women than men, but we both do it. The mystery bias occurs when you really like someone, but you don’t know a whole lot about them yet. The less we know about them, the more we fill in the gaps with our own idealizations of who they are.⁷ This can be particularly dangerous if we’re not able to be around them often, such as in a long-distance relationship scenario.

Long distance is so dangerous emotionally because we’re not forced to be in the other person’s business all of the time, our communication is always full of excitement and longing. The multitude of boring, drab interactions where she does a myriad of minor things to annoy you are missing. You don’t see their flaws, only their virtues, since that’s all you have time to show to one another. As a result you replace their flaws in your mind with made up virtues. And eventually reality comes and bites you in the ass.

9. Turbulence Bias – The turbulence bias is when we overestimate the emotional connection and compatibility we have with someone whom we’ve suffered through a lot of emotionally difficult circumstances with.

This can play out in a number of ways. A girl who you’ve gone through a traumatic event with can suddenly seem like someone you relate to and connect with on a deeper level than you actually do. Or, with a girlfriend who you keep breaking up and reuniting with, it’s easy to perceive those break ups and reunions as further proof that you two belong together, since you’ve gone through so much together. Or the girl who is cheating on her boyfriend with you, and is struggling to decide whether to end that relationship or not and the drama that ensues as a result, one can easily feel that these struggles and obstacles you overcome together “mean” something, and imply that there’s some deeper purpose for you being together. This is all fantasy. It’s a romantic concept better left to Disney movies.

10. Serendipity Bias – Another romantic fallacy. The serendipity bias is when we interpret coincidences involving a woman to signify something deeper or some sort of “fate” that is bringing you two together.⁸ For instance, maybe you go on a few dates with a woman who moves away to go to grad school. You then take a job overseas in Barcelona, and just happen to run into her walking around Barri Gotic. She’s studying abroad. The spark reignites, except this time you can’t help but feel that there’s some deeper purpose that’s bringing you together. As a result, you overvalue the meaning of the relationship and perhaps see an emotional connection that isn’t really there.

Perceptual biases are an inevitable part of dating. Of course, I’m being a little hyperbolic when I claim we all “suck” at dating. The fact of the matter is the dating game is a numbers game, and all of us are going to strike out the vast, vast majority of the time. Whether an interaction ends within five seconds or five years, almost all of your relationships are going to end. The hard part is knowing when they’re ending or if they should end or not. We’re all bad at that. Perceptual biases act as a fog that most of us have trouble wading through and realizing there are obstacles in front of us until we smack right into them. The goal is not to get rid of perceptual biases, but to understand them and become aware of them. Perceptual biases can be enjoyable at times, but they can be dangerous as well. Know and understand which ones you’re susceptible to, and use that understanding to inform your relationship decisions in the future. Hopefully, you can spare yourself a little extra heart break.

Culled From  markmanson.net 
**************
Follow on Twitter and Instagram @dr_alams.

MARRAKESH.

I watched the doctor's mouth move, his words drowned in the turmoil that has engulfed me.
"This can't be true!" I muttered repeatedly, tears flowing freely from my eyes.
"Stage two breast cancer," he said again. "We can remove the affected breast and start chemotherapy."
I shifted uncomfortably in my seat. How can I, thirty and unmarried, lose a breast?
"She will need some time," Kola, my boyfriend chimed in, looking at me.
The doctor sighed. "The earlier, the better."

As soon as we got home, Kola began packing his bags. I felt betrayed.
"Which of the bags are you taking?" he asked.
"Taking to where?" I retorted, confused.
He placed a hand on my shoulder. "Nkem, you've always told me you wanted to travel. We'll take one week and go wherever you want. You can start the treatment when we return."
I squeezed his hands, their warmth holding my floundering hope.

We arrived Marrakesh, Morocco, under the sweltering sun. On our way to the resort, the dry air was heavy with the smell of the orchard and olive grooves. Behind the resort was an imposing mountain range, their tips capped with snow.
"The Atlas mountains!" Kola exclaimed.
A sumptuous lunch followed, complete with peppery lamb kebab.

The next morning, we  left for the Ouzoud waterfall, about three hours from Marrakesh. The red-brick earth contrasted sharply with the green carpet of olive trees in the plateau. We watched in awe as the water rushed down, sparkling in the morning sun, the loud splashing sound sending shivers down my spine.
"The waterfall got its name from the olive trees," our Morrocan guide explained, in halting English.
We took a small path to the first level, watching the deluge of water surge forth, downwards. A group of macaque monkeys chattered in the distance, prancing about in their natural habitat.

The following morning, I awoke to the cry of the muezzin. After a breakfast of crepes- special pancakes with flavoured toppings- we left for the Moroccan desert. The Jemaa el-Fnaa square was already teeming with street performers, snake charmers and snake oil salesmen. I stopped to buy an embroidered purple scarf from one of the souks.

We arrived Merzouga desert the next day. The sand dunes stretched majestically to infinity and merged silently with the cloudless, blue sky. There were hammocks and sofas in our luxury tent. Dinner was served outside, under the stars, as we lay on Berber rugs. Opening the dish, I saw a diamond-encrusted golden ring on top of the grilled chicken and turned around, astounded. Kola was kneeling on the sand.
"Marry me," he said. "Let's fight this together."

We spent our last night in Casablanca, dancing in a discotheque, the twirling lights and upbeat sounds sending ripples of pleasure through me.

I returned to the hospital the following week.
The doctor leaved through my recent test results, his eyes wide with surprise. "It seems that your cancer has gone into remission."
I stared at him, speechless.

©Kelvin Alaneme, 2015.
Follow on Twitter and Instagram @dr_alams.

Deep Motivation From Steve Jobs, The Apple Genius.

Steve Jobs, the American businessman and technology visionary who is best known as the co-founder, chairman, and chief executive officer of Apple Inc, was born on February 24, 1955. His parents were two University of Wisconsin graduate students, Joanne Carole Schieble and Syrian-born Abdulfattah Jandali. They were both unmarried at the time. Jandali, who was teaching in Wisconsin when Steve was born, said he had no choice but to put the baby up for adoption because his girlfriend's family objected to their relationship.

The baby was adopted at birth by Paul Reinhold Jobs (1922–1993) and Clara Jobs (1924–1986). Later, when asked about his "adoptive parents," Jobs replied emphatically that Paul and Clara Jobs "were my parents." He stated in his authorized biography that they "were my parents 1,000%." Unknown to him, his biological parents would subsequently marry (December 1955), have a second child, novelist Mona Simpson, in 1957, and divorce in 1962.

Jobs's youth was riddled with frustrations over formal schooling. At Monta Loma Elementary school in Mountain View, he was a prankster whose fourth-grade teacher needed to bribe him to study. Jobs tested so well, however, that administrators wanted to skip him ahead to high school—a proposal his parents declined. Jobs then attended Cupertino Junior High and Homestead High School in Cupertino, California. During the following years Jobs met Bill Fernandez and Steve Wozniak, a computer whiz kid.

The Jobs family moved from San Francisco to Mountain View, California when Steve was five years old. The parents later adopted a daughter, Patti. Paul was a machinist for a company that made lasers, and taught his son rudimentary electronics and how to work with his hands. The father showed Steve how to work on electronics in the family garage, demonstrating to his son how to take apart and rebuild electronics such as radios and televisions. As a result, Steve became interested in and developed a hobby of technical tinkering. Clara was an accountant who taught him to read before he went to school.

Following high school graduation in 1972, Jobs enrolled at Reed College in Portland, Oregon. Reed was an expensive college which Paul and Clara could ill afford. They were spending much of their life savings on their son's higher education. Jobs dropped out of college after six months and spent the next 18 months dropping in on creative classes, including a course on calligraphy. He continued auditing classes at Reed while sleeping on the floor in friends' dorm rooms, returning Coke bottles for food money, and getting weekly free meals at the local Hare Krishna temple.

In 1976, Wozniak invented the Apple I computer. Jobs, Wozniak, and Ronald Wayne, an electronics industry worker, founded Apple computer in the garage of Jobs's parents in order to sell it. They received funding from a then-semi-retired Intel product-marketing manager and engineer Mike Markkula.

Through Apple, Jobs was widely recognized as a charismatic pioneer of the personal computer revolution and for his influential career in the computer and consumer electronics fields. Jobs also co-founded and served as chief executive of Pixar Animation Studios; he became a member of the board of directors of The Walt Disney Company in 2006, when Disney acquired Pixar.

Jobs died at his California home around 3 p.m. on October 5, 2011, due to complications from a relapse of his previously treated pancreatic cancer.

Source: Wikipedia

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CHURCH

The brownish, wooden pews in front of me flaunt different shades of colours. I don't see the heads, bodies, scarves; I just see colours. I am almost always like that in church: lost. My mind wanders to the moon and back simultaneously.

I barely hear the priest but I'm listening to him. Little children blabbing in tongues, screaming in the guise of crying, a million sleepers sleeping, five golden rings. I drift to singing. The old woman beside me gives me a witchy look and I realize that I am singing out loud. She goes back to sleep.

I hate coming late to church. Having to sit  at the back with this bunch of village people who probably missed their way to the village square and decided to rest their aching legs in church.  Some creepy young woman whose gele seems to be ice-skating on her head suddenly throws sanity to the offering box, frees her boobs and invites her cry baby to a 'boobacue'. It seems like the witch-looking oldie beside me is in Jericho already watching in awe as the walls fall down flat. Sleep takes people places, especially church sleep. I bet she would have given that breast feeder a run for her milk with just one stare.
Talking about stares, my eyes can't wait for offering time, to feed on attires. The youths of this church are so mundane, they dress to church like there's an after-party.

I forcefully push aside my mindsnaps to hear a word or two from the priest. He is talking about a politician who asked him to pray for him before elections, and after he won, he completely forgot about him. He adds that humans shoould be like the disciples, willing to evangelize and spread the gospel. I try to connect the Politician's tale to the talk on  evangelism and my brain goes weak and dumb. I give up on the homily.

Seeking something to divert my attention to, I catch sight of a boy walking in with a little girl I presume to be his sister. I think I hear someone mutter something about how God will judge chronic latecomers to church, in a special way. The boy, looking all dapper in his over-ironed blazer, colourful shirt and jeans that beg to be ripped all over, walks towards the back, with a runway gait to trip over a hard rug for. I feel tightness in my chest. The girl in front of me seems to be adjusting her dress and every other thing on her. I want to laugh. The boy then stops at my pew and takes the just-deserted space at the end of the pew after asking if it was occupied. The girl in front of me looks back, in his direction. She steals a glance and faces her front. I know that will become a routine till the end of mass. I know.

My chest's still bolted. Cute boy  seems to be the religious kind. He does a silent prayer, carries his little sister on his laps in such an awkwardly appealing way and fixes his glare on the podium. He is paying attention. I wonder why I can't be like that in church then I tell myself, amidst chuckles, that things will get better when I grow up.

I find mysrlf back in my circus of imagination. My mind's a rollercoaster when a cute boy finds a way to smuggle himself in it. I picture us together, laughing, teasing, caressing, love making. I try to stop the rush of images, out of guilt especially cause its communion time. I can't. I steal a glance at him and our eyes click, he meets my gaze. He smiles, I go blank. I feel the butterflies and tomatoes in my system. I don't smile back. I'm not cheap okirika. Call me hard to get and I won't mind.

Second collection is the real definition of church in auction, priest in action. The priest sells his divine olive oil in the "going-going-gone" manner. I find the whole process annoying.

In a jiffy, mass is over and I head to the car. On the trip back home, we drive past a bar filled with people gyrating. Mum laments about how worldly people miss church for unnecessary frivolities.  Dad  supports her by saying that if an hour or so, spent in God's presence in church is too difficult for mankind to offer, then humans are really spitting in God's face. I sink in my corner. I'm no better than these people at the bar. I  didn't really attend church; I did not show up in God's presence. Guilt tugs at my sleeves, collar, pocket, soul. I close my eyes and pray for forgiveness.

Then, a thought comes haunting, from abyss. Next Sunday, that priest will still show up, weird people will still find their way to my side, another cute boy hopefully. Hopelessly, I start looking forward to all that. Forgive me, Lord.

©Chisom Okwara, 2015.

7 Strange Questions That Help You Find Your Life's Purpose.

By Mark Manson, markmanson.net

One day, when my brother was 18, he waltzed into the living room and proudly announced to my mother and me that one day he was going to be a senator. My mom probably gave him the “That’s nice, dear,” treatment while I’m sure I was distracted by a bowl of Cheerios or something.

But for fifteen years, this purpose informed all of my brother’s life decisions: what he studied in school, where he chose to live, who he connected with and even what he did with many of his vacations and weekends.

And now, after almost half a lifetime of work later, he’s the chairman of a major political party in his city and the youngest judge in the state. In the next few years, he hopes to run for office for the first time.

Don’t get me wrong. My brother is a freak. This basically never happens.

Most of us have no clue what we want to do with our lives. Even after we finish school. Even after we get a job. Even after we’re making money. Between ages 18 and 25, I changed career aspirations more often than I changed my underwear. And even after I had a business, it wasn’t until I was 28 that I clearly defined what I wanted for my life.

Chances are you’re more like me and have no clue what you want to do. It’s a struggle almost every adult goes through. “What do I want to do with my life?” “What am I passionate about?” “What do I not suck at?” I often receive emails from people in their 40s and 50s who still have no clue what they want to do with themselves.

Part of the problem is the concept of “life purpose” itself. The idea that we were each born for some higher purpose and it’s now our cosmic mission to find it. This is the same kind of shitty logic used to justify things like spirit crystals or that your lucky number is 34 (but only on Tuesdays or during full moons).

Here’s the truth. We exist on this earth for some undetermined period of time. During that time we do things. Some of these things are important. Some of them are unimportant. And those important things give our lives meaning and happiness. The unimportant ones basically just kill time.

So when people say, “What should I do with my life?” or “What is my life purpose?” what they’re actually asking is: “What can I do with my time that is important?”

This is an infinitely better question to ask. It’s far more manageable and it doesn’t have all of the ridiculous baggage that the “life purpose” question does. There’s no reason for you to be contemplating the cosmic significance of your life while sitting on your couch all day eating Doritos. Rather, you should be getting off your ass and discovering what feels important to you.

One of the most common email questions I get is people asking me what they should do with their lives, what their “life purpose” is. This is an impossible question for me to answer. After all, for all I know, this person is really into knitting sweaters for kittens or filming gay bondage porn in their basement. I have no clue. Who am I to say what’s right or what’s important to them?

But after some research, I have put together a series of questions to help you figure out for yourself what is important to you and what can add more meaning to your life.

These questions are by no means exhaustive or definitive. In fact, they’re a little bit ridiculous. But I made them that way because discovering purpose in our lives should be something that’s fun and interesting, not a chore.


1. WHAT’S YOUR FAVORITE FLAVOR OF SHIT SANDWICH AND DOES IT COME WITH AN OLIVE?
Ah, yes. The all-important question. What flavor of shit sandwich would you like to eat? Because here’s the sticky little truth about life that they don’t tell you at high school pep rallies:

Everything sucks, some of the time.

Now, that probably sounds incredibly pessimistic of me. And you may be thinking, “Hey Mr. Manson, turn that frown upside down.” But I actually think this is a liberating idea.

Everything involves sacrifice. Everything includes some sort of cost. Nothing is pleasurable or uplifting all of the time. So the question becomes: what struggle or sacrifice are you willing to tolerate? Ultimately, what determines our ability to stick with something we care about is our ability to handle the rough patches and ride out the inevitable rotten days.

If you want to be a brilliant tech entrepreneur, but you can’t handle failure, then you’re not going to make it far. If you want to be a professional artist, but you aren’t willing to see your work rejected hundreds, if not thousands of times, then you’re done before you start. If you want to be a hotshot court lawyer, but can’t stand the 80-hour workweeks, then I’ve got bad news for you.

What unpleasant experiences are you able to handle? Are you able to stay up all night coding? Are you able to put off starting a family for 10 years? Are you able to have people laugh you off the stage over and over again until you get it right?

What shit sandwich do you want to eat? Because we all get served one eventually.

Might as well pick one with an olive.


2. WHAT IS TRUE ABOUT YOU TODAY THAT WOULD MAKE YOUR 8-YEAR-OLD SELF CRY?
When I was a child, I used to write stories. I used to sit in my room for hours by myself, writing away, about aliens, about superheroes, about great warriors, about my friends and family. Not because I wanted anyone to read it. Not because I wanted to impress my parents or teachers. But for the sheer joy of it.

And then, for some reason, I stopped. And I don’t remember why.

We all have a tendency to lose touch with what we loved as a child. Something about the social pressures of adolescence and professional pressures of young adulthood squeezes the passion out of us. We’re taught that the only reason to do something is if we’re somehow rewarded for it.

It wasn’t until I was in my mid-20s that I rediscovered how much I loved writing. And it wasn’t until I started my business that I remembered how much I enjoyed building websites — something I did in my early teens, just for fun.

The funny thing though, is that if my 8-year-old self had asked my 20-year-old self, “Why don’t you write anymore?” and I replied, “Because I’m not good at it,” or “Because nobody would read what I write,” or “Because you can’t make money doing that,” not only would I have been completely wrong, but that 8-year-old boy version of myself would have probably started crying.

3. WHAT MAKES YOU FORGET TO EAT AND POOP?

We’ve all had that experience where we get so wrapped up in something that minutes turn into hours and hours turn into “Holy crap, I forgot to have dinner.”

Supposedly, in his prime, Isaac Newton’s mother had to regularly come in and remind him to eat because he would go entire days so absorbed in his work that he would forget.

I used to be like that with video games. This probably wasn’t a good thing. In fact, for many years it was kind of a problem. I would sit and play video games instead of doing more important things like studying for an exam, or showering regularly, or speaking to other humans face-to-face.

It wasn’t until I gave up the games that I realized my passion wasn’t for the games themselves (although I do love them). My passion is for improvement, being good at something and then trying to get better. The games themselves — the graphics, the stories — they were cool, but I can easily live without them. It’s the competition — with others, but especially with myself — that I thrive on.

And when I applied that obsessiveness for improvement and self-competition to an internet business and to my writing, well, things took off in a big way.

Maybe for you, it’s something else. Maybe it’s organizing things efficiently, or getting lost in a fantasy world, or teaching somebody something, or solving technical problems. Whatever it is, don’t just look at the activities that keep you up all night, but look at the cognitive principles behind those activities that enthrall you. Because they can easily be applied elsewhere.

4. HOW CAN YOU BETTER EMBARRASS YOURSELF?

Before you are able to be good at something and do something important, you must first suck at something and have no clue what you’re doing. That’s pretty obvious. And in order to suck at something and have no clue what you’re doing, you must embarrass yourself in some shape or form, often repeatedly. And most people try to avoid embarrassing themselves, namely because it sucks.

Ergo, due to the transitive property of awesomeness, if you avoid anything that could potentially embarrass you, then you will never end up doing something that feels important.

Yes, it seems that once again, it all comes back to vulnerability.

Right now, there’s something you want to do, something you think about doing, something you fantasize about doing, yet you don’t do it. You have your reasons, no doubt. And you repeat these reasons to yourself ad infinitum.

But what are those reasons? Because I can tell you right now that if those reasons are based on what others would think, then you’re screwing yourself over big time.

If your reasons are something like, “I can’t start a business because spending time with my kids is more important to me,” or “Playing Starcraft all day would probably interfere with my music, and music is more important to me,” then OK. Sounds good.

But if your reasons are, “My parents would hate it,” or “My friends would make fun of me,” or “If I failed, I’d look like an idiot,” then chances are, you’re actually avoiding something you truly care about because caring about that thing is what scares the shit out of you, not what mom thinks or what Timmy next door says.

Great things are, by their very nature, unique and unconventional. Therefore, to achieve them, we must go against the herd mentality. And to do that is scary.

Embrace embarrassment. Feeling foolish is part of the path to achieving something important, something meaningful. The more a major life decision scares you, chances are the more you need to be doing it.

5. HOW ARE YOU GOING TO SAVE THE WORLD?

In case you haven’t seen the news lately, the world has a few problems. And by “a few problems,” what I really mean is, “everything is fucked and we’re all going to die.”

I’ve harped on this before, and the research also bears it out, but to live a happy and healthy life, we must hold on to values that are greater than our own pleasure or satisfaction.1

So pick a problem and start saving the world. There are plenty to choose from. Our screwed up education systems, economic development, domestic violence, mental health care, governmental corruption. Hell, I just saw an article this morning on sex trafficking in the US and it got me all riled up and wishing I could do something. It also ruined my breakfast.

Find a problem you care about and start solving it. Obviously, you’re not going to fix the world’s problems by yourself. But you can contribute and make a difference. And that feeling of making a difference is ultimately what’s most important for your own happiness and fulfillment.

Now, I know what you’re thinking. “Gee Mark, I read all of this horrible stuff and I get all pissed off too, but that doesn’t translate to action, much less a new career path.”

Glad you asked…

6. GUN TO YOUR HEAD, IF YOU HAD TO LEAVE THE HOUSE ALL DAY, EVERY DAY, WHERE WOULD YOU GO AND WHAT WOULD YOU DO?

For many of us, the enemy is just old-fashioned complacency. We get into our routines. We distract ourselves. The couch is comfortable. The Doritos are cheesy. And nothing new happens.

This is a problem.

What most people don’t understand is that passion is the result of action, not the cause of it.2, 3

Discovering what you’re passionate about in life and what matters to you is a full-contact sport, a trial-and-error process. None of us know exactly how we feel about an activity until we actually do the activity.

So ask yourself, if someone put a gun to your head and forced you to leave your house every day for everything except for sleep, how would you choose to occupy yourself? And no, you can’t just go sit in a coffee shop and browse Facebook. You probably already do that. Let’s pretend there are no useless websites, no video games, no TV. You have to be outside of the house all day every day until it’s time to go to bed — where would you go and what would you do?

Sign up for a dance class? Join a book club? Go get another degree? Invent a new form of irrigation system that can save the thousands of children’s lives in rural Africa? Learn to hang glide?

What would you do with all of that time?

If it strikes your fancy, write down a few answers and then, you know, go out and actually do them. Bonus points if it involves embarrassing yourself.

7. IF YOU KNEW YOU WERE GOING TO DIE ONE YEAR FROM TODAY, WHAT WOULD YOU DO AND HOW WOULD YOU WANT TO BE REMEMBERED?

Most of us don’t like thinking about death. It freaks us out. But thinking about our own death surprisingly has a lot of practical advantages. One of those advantages is that it forces us to zero in on what’s actually important in our lives and what’s just frivolous and distracting.

When I was in college, I used to walk around and ask people, “If you had a year to live, what would you do?” As you can imagine, I was a huge hit at parties. A lot of people gave vague and boring answers. A few drinks were nearly spit on me. But it did cause people to really think about their lives in a different way and re-evaluate what their priorities were.

What is your legacy going to be? What are the stories people are going to tell when you’re gone? What is your obituary going to say? Is there anything to say at all? If not, what would you like it to say? How can you start working towards that today?

And again, if you fantasize about your obituary saying a bunch of badass shit that impresses a bunch of random other people, then again, you’re failing here.

When people feel like they have no sense of direction, no purpose in their life, it’s because they don’t know what’s important to them, they don’t know what their values are.

And when you don’t know what your values are, then you’re essentially taking on other people’s values and living other people’s priorities instead of your own. This is a one-way ticket to unhealthy relationships and eventual misery.

Discovering one’s “purpose” in life essentially boils down to finding those one or two things that are bigger than yourself, and bigger than those around you. And to find them you must get off your couch and act, and take the time to think beyond yourself, to think greater than yourself, and paradoxically, to imagine a world without yourself.

Footnotes
Sagiv, L., & Schwartz, S. H. (2000). Value priorities and subjective well-being: direct relations and congruity effects. European Journal of Social Psychology, 30(2), 177–198.↵
Wrzesniewski, A., McCauley, C., Rozin, P., & Schwartz, B. (1997). Jobs, careers, and callings: People’s relations to their work. Journal of Research in Personality, 31(1), 21–33.↵
Newport, C. (2012). So Good They Can’t Ignore You: Why Skills Trump Passion in the Quest for Work You Love. Business Plus.↵

Culled from markmanson.net 

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